Joe Mair has raised the stakes to insane soap operatic heights. Below is a list of his selections with a short story to go with each brew, and i must say it is one hell of a read.
The Bold and the Boozy: Romancing the Hop
Part One: The Bold
Green Flash Hop Head Red – 6.4%
On a trip to Atlantic City with your sister’s husband, you hit the bar after a series of bad hands at the blackjack table. You’d convinced yourself that the dealer looked like one of the damn idiots that tramp cheated on you with, and subsequently could no longer focus on the cards. A bartender (in a lab coat?) brings you a freshly poured pint of Green Flash Hop Head Red. You are amazed at how the crispness balances with the hoppiness. What a beautiful reddish amber color! The bartender then proceeds to tell you he’s your long lost stepfather, which is both wrong and very confusing. Suddenly, you feel light headed and are headed to the floor. You wake up 14 hours later on the balcony of the Eldorado Motor Inn with stitches in your side. Only after trip to the hospital do the doctors let you know you now have one less kidney. Blame it on the Red.
Augustinerbrau Edelstoff – 5.6%
Just a quick business trip to Germany, Graham said. Thank god for the business class upgrades on overseas trips. At least you can catch some sleep on the flight. However, you wake up hazy and disoriented in Frankfurt and unable to operate the gearshift on your Opel rental car. Fourteen hours later, after an exhausting work day killing yourself on the merger due diligence, you get an overseas call on your cell phone from your brother Hank. Your wife has finally come out of her coma – only to admit to cheating on you with Graham. Only after you down the seventh bottle of Edelstoff, savoring the smooth, malty flavor of this great Helles, do you finally decide that you’re going to sabotage the brakes on Graham’s Mercedes as soon as you get back to the states.
Boulder Beer Company Hazed and Infused – 4.9%
Never trust a woman on roller skates. That’s what your buddy Josh always told you. After meeting her on the boardwalk in Venice, it certainly didn’t seem like a good idea, but you both wanted to listen to “Dark Side of the Moon” on vinyl. Yeah, your ex-wife is going to be dropping your daughter off in the morning tomorrow, but that’s not till 10AM, and how late can you really sleep? Well, a dozen Hazed and Infuseds later (still can’t believe how hoppy yet sweet they were), you wake up to ex Janice in your bedroom doorway complaining about “how this looks to our daughter.” You reach for your pack of Camel lights and hope it will all end shortly.
Dogfish Head Chicory Stout – 5.2%
Your sister Kim decides to throw you a bachelorette party in New Orleans, saying, “It’s your last taste of freedom.” You reluctantly agree, as you hate humidity, and the three of you and your friends Bonnie and Sarah hit the Big Easy. Two days in, as you sip on crappy frozen alcoholic smoothies in the Quarter, you catch a glimmer of a look in Sarah’s eyes as you talk about your husband-to-be, Patrick, and his hip bone birthmark. You suddenly realize that she was the one you suspected. The next evening, you find yourself enjoying a Chicory Stout, as it reminds you of the chicory coffee and beignets at Café du Monde. Is that a touch of tobacco and cocoa flavor? Delicious. It’s too bad that Sarah will no longer be able to enjoy these simple pleasures, now that she sits dead on the floor next to you, poisoned from the Drano you added to her last margarita. You always did hate stupid frozen drinks.
Ballast Point Big Eye IPA – 6%
Uncle Jimmy, a big player in the “Sanitation” business, invites you out for a day of fishing in his boat, the “Vafancullo.” It’s always interesting with Uncle Jimmy. Not fifteen minutes off the coast, you’re sitting at the stern of the boat, enjoying a Big Eye IPA surprised and the delighted by the citrus and herbal hop aroma. Of course, just as you relax, his mistress starts getting up in his face. Apparently, although he may have paid for Jenny’s plastic surgery, he is definitely not picking up the tab on the psychiatric sessions that she so obviously needs. In a split second, you see a flash of silver and three shots ring out. Jenny drops lifelessly over the side of the boat. Apparently, this trip was for more than just fishing.
Part Two: The Boozy
Molson XXX – 7.3%
It all started with a trip to upstate New York to visit your cousin Melinda as she recovers from her most recent detox session. Your wife suggests having dinner with her transgendered “Aunt” Suzanne afterward, but you fake an excuse to meet up with your buddy Jared in Albany. The next thing you remember, you’re in a bar fight with some French Canadians in Montreal over what color the Formica countertop is in some bar in the old town. It is said that 86% of Canadian bar fights happen as a result of Molson XXX. You become just another statistic.
St. Bernardus Abt 12 – 10.5%
You never really believed little Joey’s stories. I mean, they always seemed like complete fabrications. Between the stories of the government conspiracies and the reasons why his mother’s death was not an accident, it just gets so tiresome. You even had your detective buddy on the force get a forensic engineer to double check the accident report. But, he’s your nephew and you feel terrible about the fact that your brother-in-law Todd has to raise him alone. And so, you invite the two of them over for some late summer grilling. You and Todd finish your burgers on the deck, while Joey plays in the back yard. He comments on the malty, candy undertones in the St. Bernardus. You agree and add that the high alcohol content is very well hidden. That’s when a flash of light blinds you and a split second later, all that is left of Joey are his shoes. I supposed you should have believed him when he recalled stories of abductions and medical experiments.
Weyerbacher Quad – 11.9%
Another late night at the office, you tell your secretary to make sure she takes some petty cash out of the safe for her cab ride home. She comes back in a hurry, eyes wide open and gasping for breath. “It’s gone. It’s all…gone.” You suddenly realize that your business associate Hector didn’t actually have a family emergency this morning. He’s skipped town, and took the quarter million dollars in cash with him. Thankfully, you’ve managed to squirrel away 10 grand over the last couple of weeks, to be used for just such an occasion. You give your now former secretary $1,000 for her trouble, and send her home. You crack open the Weyerbacher Quad from your office fridge, and poor it into a glass, happy for the high alcohol content. As the caramel and malty sweetness swirls in your mouth, you lament that you didn’t see this coming. Sure, by the time the SEC tracks this company down through the dozens of shell companies you’ve set up around it, you’ll be in Brazil. With a brief stop off in the Caymans of course to visit Hector in the house he doesn’t know you know about. Revenge will taste almost as sweet as this Quad.
Part Three: The Best of Both Worlds – Bold and Boozy
Terrapin Rye Squared – 8.5%
It was just another evening at the park, making sure Champ got a walk in before heading home to make dinner. You briefly notice that someone who looks like your crazy neighbor Cliff is heading towards you……with a bat in hand. The first swing lands squarely at the back of your head, and you go down seeing double. When you finally come to, you realize that you are breathing out of a tube and your left hand won’t move. And you are still seeing double. Somehow that reminds you of the last beer you had before that fateful walk – the Rye Squared. Double the malts, double the hops, and nearly double the alcohol content. You hope for a speedy recovery so you can again taste that delicious and rare Rye IPA. Maybe you shouldn’t have slept with Cliff’s wife.
Unibroue La Fin du Monde – 9.0%
Digging through the files your dead mother left behind, you cycle over your eternal belief that she never truly appreciated you. After your wife’s mysterious disappearance, you felt sure that given your mother’s political power and misdirected ambition, she was surely behind it all. Now that she’s gone too, you think perhaps you were wrong. As you sit back in your late father’s desk chair, you pour a fresh Fin du Monde into a snifter glass. The aroma is staggering, the deep orange color breathtaking. As you enjoy your first sip of the cloudy beer, the slight boozy flavor settles into the back of your throat. You hear a creak behind you as the door shifts. “No, it can’t be! You’re………..DEAD, Dad!”
No comments:
Post a Comment